Christmas in a Texan Diner
by prince kouha
Summary: In which Jade Harley, albeit a scientist and thus technically an intellectual, gives a completely illogical answer as to why she wouldn't date Dave Strider. -Pesterlog, AU-ish.-


- **gardenGnostic** [GG] began pestering **turntechGodhea**d [TG] at 18:38 -

GG: hey dave!  
TG: oh  
TG: hey harley  
TG: whats cracking there in anti-civilization island  
GG: its alright i guess  
GG: but... but wait!  
GG: its not like i choose to be isolated or anything!  
GG: i mean yes its peaceful since its just me and bec  
GG: but it gets really lonely sometimes  
TG: whoah there  
TG: didnt mean to rustle your jimmies or anything  
GG: ._.  
TG: sorry  
GG: its okay  
GG: i just really wish i could be around people too  
GG: i know that rose lives in the middle of a forest but at least theres probably a town by her! theres no one around here in at least a 100 mile radius :(  
TG: thats actually pretty unfortunate  
TG: i mean sometimes bitches are all up in my dick and shit but im still that awesome guy that runs a blog  
TG: people be lookin at me lasciviously as i stride down the street  
GG: hehe well yes, you are quite the cool kid dave!  
GG: your coolness even reaches my island in the middle of nowhere!  
TG: fuck yea it does  
TG: jade harley acquainted with the bigman himself  
TG: just for that you should be put in the fuckin newspaper  
TG: everyone would be spending cash to hop on a plane and then you wouldnt be lonely  
GG: well actually that would be nice...  
TG: wait  
TG: oh shit am i depressing you again  
TG: the bigman apologizes  
GG: no dave its fine! i guess im more lonely than i thought  
GG: bec takes care of me pretty well but i wish i could get off this stupid island sometimes and see the world  
GG: or maybe just you and john and rose but i dont know how i would do that :T  
TG: hm  
TG: well uh  
TG: heres a thought  
TG: you should call up a plane company or something and ask if they could fly you off to the mainland  
TG: and then maybe you could see me because in seattle it rains a lot and upstate new york is balls cold and redneck territory  
TG: its dry here but texas is probably kinda close to your islands weather  
TG: weather buddies gotta stick together woop woop  
GG: plus you are the coolest of the cool o:  
TG: fuck yea i am  
TG: but seriously harley itd be pretty sick if you came here  
TG: bro would let you take the futon hes chill like that  
TG: the smuppets might be a problem but it could be easily fixed  
TG: and we could take shitty polaroid photography with each other itd be hipster and thus ironic  
GG: o: wow that sounds so great!  
GG: you have the best ideas, dave! i really should arrange that!  
GG: hmmm i wonder though, what if the cool mr. strider actually has an ulterior motive to me visiting him?  
TG: ...  
TG: welp  
GG: ...  
TG: ...  
GG: ...dave do you have another reason on why you want me to go texas?  
TG: nope its purely because of the weather  
TG: definitely youd be used to it so then you wouldnt flip a shit or get hypothermia or something from all that goddamned precipitation where the others live  
GG: oh... well im glad that youre concerned for my well being!  
GG: but seriously, is there?  
GG: hm?  
TG: ...  
TG: uh  
TG: well  
TG: theres this restaurant or something known for its "real texan cuisine" whatever the fuck that is  
TG: really just some ribs or brisket or some shit deep fried in style  
TG: and bro said that i should take you there since you probably just eat shit like leaves and bugs over there  
GG: yes i totally eat leaves and catch insects with my tongue, thats my daily meal!  
TG: see hes right  
GG: _ are you sure that this was all bros idea?  
TG: okay i mightve asked him where a good place to get some grub would be with a friend  
TG: but i couldve asked for john or rose or even someone from school  
TG: so yea youre not that special  
GG: psh, i am so special!  
TG: maybe special ed  
GG: D:  
TG: jk youre too smart for that  
TG: well versed in the science of nuclear physics  
GG: yes mister you better correct yourself!  
GG: but that doesnt mean im letting you off easy! im still skeptical!  
GG: because lets say you were lying to me  
TG: well what if i was lying to you  
GG: if you were then youd be a big fuckass, dave! but since youre not i guess i can say this  
GG: if i do go there then itll just be a friendly visit and nothing more!  
TG: ...  
TG: and why would that be?  
GG: i dont have to explain myself because im just going there to see you, my friend!  
TG: whoah im just curious thats all  
TG: come on harley fuel the stridermeister  
TG: curiosity didnt kill roses cat that cats been dead for a shitlong time  
GG: meehh :I why should i? friendly purposes after all!  
GG: FRIENDS!  
TG: still though  
GG: uck okay fine  
GG: but this is because youre begging!  
TG: oh yeah im totally on my knees as i type this to you on my computer  
TG: "jade jade please tell me your reasoning"  
TG: "i must know if i dont know then im going to cry into the wee hours of the night wondering what went wrong"  
GG: psh there will be none of that! :P  
GG: but um... okay  
GG: lets say that hypothetically you... liked me or something  
GG: which is extremely unlikely!  
TG: deff  
GG: yeah... um... it just wouldnt work out between us! :B  
TG: and why not  
GG: why are you asking?  
TG: like i said im curious  
TG: im the interrogater detective dude and you have presented me with a case that i must solve  
TG: complete with me dressed up in a huge corduroy jacket and smokin a pipe  
GG: hm... would that be ironic?  
TG: yea  
TG: and funny as hell  
GG: :D  
TG: so anyway  
TG: uh  
TG: why wouldnt it work out between us?  
GG: well... if you did like me  
TG: which i dont  
GG: yeah which you dont... idk! i really like you as a friend and i wouldnt want to ruin that plus itd be really awkward if we broke up  
GG: i wouldnt want us to drift away! :(  
TG: true but youre just talking about if we broke up  
TG: what if we did go out and we yknow lasted  
TG: all the bitches want d-strider after all  
TG: youd be the lucky girl to have me  
GG: definitely! mr cool guy! :P  
TG: fuck yea  
GG: hm... um... well... were honestly pretty different in interests  
TG: well yea true but were still friends  
TG: were having a perfectly decent conversation right now thats driven by the both of us mutually and you didnt even fall asleep yet  
TG: im obviously not too boring or hipster for you  
GG: hehe true  
GG: but there are other reasons why we wouldnt work out! i just kinda cant think of anything right now  
TG: wow way to argue your point  
GG: hey!  
TG: seriously though  
GG: :T  
GG: well fine then mr meanie pants! then here's another one!  
TG: spill  
GG: this sounds kind of stupid but also our favorite colors contrast!  
TG: ...  
TG: wait am i hearing this right  
TG: are you messing with me  
GG: no, i am totally serious mr cool kid!  
TG: fjekfkjwerihg  
TG: youre sure youre not shitting me  
GG: i am not shitting you, dave!  
TG: okay  
GG: seriously! green and red are the total opposites of each other  
TG: so youre actually saying that because red and green dont look good together, we wouldnt be good together  
GG: are you judging me? D:  
TG: yes  
TG: harley have you ever heard of this holiday  
TG: its called christmas  
GG: ...yes but thats different!  
GG: thats tradition!  
TG: how is that any different  
GG: IT JUST IS OKAY? D:  
TG: right sure  
TG: i take back you not being special ed  
GG: ._.  
TG: honestly though thats one of the dumbest things ive ever heard  
TG: when christmas comes everyones happy even with the shitty color mash up  
GG: true...  
TG: so if we were together wouldnt that make us happy too  
GG: ...dave what are you getting at  
TG: im just putting that out there  
GG: well a cool kid like you is bound to sweep some lady off their feet and get them to totes fall for you!  
GG: down the stairs of course  
TG: but i warned them about the stairs  
TG: tragic  
GG: :p  
TG: so since im obviously the awesomest person ever would you fall for me too?  
TG: dont worry id catch you if you fell down a flight of stairs  
TG: gallant knight up here to catch a damsel in distress  
GG: psh i wouldnt fall down the stairs! because you already warned me!  
GG: but um... idk! why are you asking me this?  
GG: all hypothetical right?  
TG: obviously  
GG: for some reason i just really dont know if it would work out  
GG: im sorry dave! :X even though youre just asking because youre curious  
TG: well yea i am curious  
TG: but jade you gotta live a little  
TG: you wanna travel the whole and all that cool shit even though youre probably going to become something boring like a scientist  
GG: ._.  
TG: why not go out with me  
TG: come on harley you only live once  
GG: ...im beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable :T  
TG: dw still not being serious  
TG: but just saying  
TG: you know how rose met that girl and got in total lesbians with her?  
GG: you mean kanaya?  
TG: sure  
GG: yeah! theyre really cute together :) im so happy for her!  
GG: she actually makes rose... smile! O:  
TG: holy shit  
TG: thats quite the hard feat to accomplish she deserves a fuckin medal congratulations youre able to get the sarcastic bitch to get her mouth to move in an upwards fashion  
TG: all the points to you  
GG: hehe yeah... although rose isnt a bitch!  
TG: yea ok sure  
GG: but whats the point of mentioning her? o:  
TG: right  
TG: word is on the block that she types in jade text  
TG: not you but in that green color  
TG: and roses favorite color is purple  
TG: theyve been seeing each other for what like five months  
GG: half a year actually!  
TG: well exactly  
TG: so uh theyre doing pretty well  
TG: if the two who make fucking barney (aka the pedophile who got arrested for drug use) with their favorite colors are working out then why not christmas  
TG: were not a creepy as fuck dinosaur were a fuckin holiday with good cheer  
TG: hark the harold angels sing  
TG: presents galore and fruitcake that egberts father probably bakes too much of every year  
TG: all those shebangs  
GG: ...:T  
GG: well i guess you do have a point!  
TG: yea  
TG: so uh  
TG: would you be terribly opposed to visiting texas and going to try some of that delirious biznasty soon  
TG: bro thinks that if we do we should go alone because he wouldnt want to deal with two rambitious teenagers  
GG: well we would obviously cause tons of trouble :P  
TG: no shit  
TG: wed be fuckin up mad hoes with the big guns  
GG: i dont think itd be socially acceptable if i brought my rifle with me everywhere in texas, even if i was taught to never leave without it! :T  
TG: jade its the fuckin south  
TG: everyone has a gun the strider household just prefers swords thats all  
GG: because youre too cool for guns?  
TG: nah swords are just our thing you know  
GG: okay thy gallant warrior o:  
GG: ...so um dave  
GG: a date huh?  
TG: uh  
TG: well yea i mean i guess  
TG: if thats okay with you miss i hate christmas  
GG: i dont hate christmas!  
TG: sure you dont  
GG: hehe well i think im going to call the airline company right away!  
GG: i cant wait to try some of this texan food stuff!  
GG: seeing you would just be an added bonus i guess :P  
TG: oh how you wound me so  
GG: :D  
GG: so before i sign off mr cool kid  
GG: ...you like me?  
TG: curiosity killed the cat jade  
GG: ...  
GG: ...  
GG: ...dave! D:  
TG: heh  
GG: ._. well im just going to go call now lol  
GG: then i guess ill talk to you later! :)  
GG: 3

- **gardenGnostic** [GG] ceased pestering **turntechGodhead** [TG] at 19:55 -

TG: jeez harley you and egbert put the derp in derpy  
TG: wow that was pretty bad even for me  
TG: ...  
TG: 3

- **turntechGodhead** [TG] ceased pestering **gardenGnostic** [GG] at 19:57 -

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**ack ive never actually written in this format or really anything for homestuck except some of this nifty couple with some otp feels that was strictly for the eyes of myself. :T also au-ish? i hope i kept them in character and that you enjoyed, and it'd be great if you could leave a review!**


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